i'm a dead person

spasm.

Saturday sumed up as FUN. like 'inney kudusai mmmchunga unthaya'. AHAHHA. only me and my siblings know that, unless you are a HUGE drake and josh fan. :D it was a really really hot and humid saturday with 10,000 people around you in a small little place called wild wild wet. long queues to rides, slow moving lines in the shower and the hot blazing sun shining on your skin with one task in mind, how to find your boyfriend in that tiny little place with people shoving you around. trust me, i gave up after an hour.

i have some foam party pictures in the process which i love them a lot. the others, well not so much. or maybe the fact that didicazly was there to perform at the concert. funny story, i had to run all the way from ehub's toilet to see didi at d'marquee when the initial plan was to find a shirt protector. okay, i know boyfee will be like 'you would wanna run for a stranger when you see him but you dont do that for me'. sorry boyfee :(

but the best part was to ride the ular-lah with a bunch of oh-perasan-hot sissys screaming like AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH in high pitch with me laughing away instead of screaming like hell. but i love 'em sissys. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA :D

my eyes are dreading to shut them tight and wake up late tmr. i have floorball practise but i won't be coming. i have overdued stuff to do like study NSL before this coming practical test, AAP before i can go crazy about gluteus maximus, FON test before i'm in a state of confusion between its ethics and history, AAP quiz before i'm irritated cos i got 19/20 but now its like 18, uniforms to alter and ironed, CITS assignments and grp work to hand up before i go insane, NPSU'S form and picture before i lose my GL-potential place, the uniform protector to buy before i panic, plan a date with boyfee before i go mentally crooked cos its been long since we've talk, like really talk, plan sneaky weakies and the financial stuff before i loose my mind, talk to my mum about PDA ordering before i use up all the money for that, buy a concession or my monday will be cockup.

MY HOLIDAYS, THEY ARE GOING GOING GONE.
TAKE ME TO DESARU PLEASE!
SOMEBODY!

and i'm still waiting for boyfee to text/call me since 245pm just now. i bet he's as dead beat as me.

what a couple.
BOOOSHAA :(

pocket full of sunshine

catching up with her in MI made me realize that that could have been my future if i seem sure to stand my ground and prove to myself that i could do it. the atmosphere in MI was fun but i'm sure there's too much going on which only an inside understatement between me and her. :D i miss my dear friend. she was the one who was my other half during sec school and everything i know about her, she does the same way about me. now i know why it seems difficult to let it out.
but nevertheless, i'm okay right now. i fell and learnt to get my way back up - alone. i guess its time to grow up. face it, cause it will always be like that and it's gonna stay that way for my whole life.

exams, clinical attachments, birthdays, camps and projects are up during term break.
i can make it through this i'm sure.
i'm begining to love what i do.

:D

and that IS a good thing.

shut up and put your money where your mouth is

i'm tired of pretending i'm okay when i'm not.
i loathe being like this.
i don't even know where to start or how to begin.
i'm uncertain of expressing it to anyone.
i'm too tired to look for anyone cos it has always been that way for a very long time.

maybe it's just the time of the year where everybody you smile at seems weird and you're just left on the sidelines.

crush me.

invincible

heartless and disappointed, i'm invincible.

and we went *stomp stomp stomp*jdhfasjengfkja PSSSSSS
during stomp the yard movie watch at library.

thats all folks, overdued pictures.

who the fcuk am i kidding?

is it just me or every single person i know shun themselves away from me?
did i do anything wrong?

who am i kidding, i guess i did.

insanity

it was an unplanned date. boyfee kinda got me all wired up on nothing -as usual- on the previous night. farah knew what happened. it was funny and yet sad at the same time.

I was going to school in a dress, with make up on for the first time in school. my hair was all done up with bobby pins to hold up my french twist. everybody wondered why i was so dressed up. it was obvious, i had a date after school.

everybody went awwwwww. (haha not exactly)

ladidadida, went the clock and a whole awesome time in NSL laughing my ass off, it was time to officially meet him. i really thought i angered him the night before but i guess it was just a joke. HAHA. apparently the trick was on me.

after a week and a half not seeing him, it was kinda weird at first. he handed me a red rose and suddenly my face lit up like a beam of light. i was happy. the train ride was crappy with our jokes and our acts. i missed him terribly.

the night went on to our dinner which was kinda normal (sorry boyfee) at pastamania. me with my spicy chicken which was so spicy that i didnt finish it. boyfee had problems of eating too much cos he has been trying to lose weight by not eating at night, hence gastric problems. i felt kinda harsh cos i was the one who wanted him to lose all those fats. how evil. :(

after that we went to suntec's fountain of wealth and just talked the night away. he gave me two more roses cos i always destroy his initial plan every single month. every rose represented something and i was a really happy kid. once again, i didnt have anything prepared for him. i feel bad once again.

slacked at suntec's starbucks couch and took pictures on his blackberry which has yet to reach to my phone/lappy. the rest of the night went superb for an unplanned date.

throughout the 20 months we're on this ride, i wanna thank you once again for being there for me, regardless of how i always pushed you away, trying your best to meet up with my busy schedule, allowing me to be who i am and not control any of my actions. i never doubted you in any way. nobody understands our relationship the way we do. i love you.

another year over and we're still together, its not always easy but ill live forever cos we are the lovers, i know you believe me when you look into my eyes cos the heart never lies.

tomato, CATCH UP!

yesterday was just a short catch up with ika while a longer one with wawa and farah. the school timetable seems to abhore us that we all cant even meet each other on campus. either we have no same break or so many new friends to hang out with. Poly seems more of a socialising rather than hands on studying to me.

yesterday's trip to new york seems to be a wild one. a mixture of sexaye icey creamy cold drinks and great company made me go kuku in the brain. i wasnt high. i was just unsure and maybe a bit tipsy. its the mixture of drinks or is it just me? rabak naassshhhh.

the conversation that went along with it made me think very far. giving people advice isn't my forte but i try my very best to give what i think i should be giving. i am in no position to say something is wrong or right cos i've never been in that situation before. maybe i can be judged by what i think cos the way those advices came out, to me, it felt as if i'm a slut. HAHA. blame it on my lack of experiences.

good luck to whoever on it. as much as i know, why do you care about his past when its the future that counts? cheyy quoted by me okay. HAHA.

btw, i saw this pic. am i fatter now?



before


after


HAHAHAHAHA flood my taggieboardie!

damn the sore throat virus

so i'm stuck with sore throat and migraines causing high temperatures in my body. i am missing 3 lectures today and i have yet to send my scholarship applications.

school so far has been damn great. joking around with firdaus, and disturbing yusrin with his brand new name, laughing with nanthini due to no reason at all, hearing amira's not funny jokes but laugh at the same time, crapping with dida, talking about robert pattinson with elyne and amira was crazy, laughing my ass off with sabby during floorball, saying and waving to a lot of people around school. all seemed worthwhile.

i have yet to make any decisions about my overseas trip. there's india, manilla and langkawi to go to and its all freeee.

manilla perhaps? ooooooh. can't wait.

oh, boyfee and i made a pinky swear about something and he is all worked up about it. i guess this time, he's darn serious. ooooh. yummy. *afiqah's reaction* HAHA.

so long and goodbye.

HONEY

Ky, HSN

kecoh friends

3rd day of school, still kinda new to a lot of stuffs. managed to catch HONEY during our 3 hour break between lectures. and i swear i love wednesdays. i start early and end early. all of it are lectures. suppose to go hockey training but i don't think i wanna join hockey. i signed up for a lot of cca's which i am not sure i should go or not. i'm going if it netball or floorball.

i'm kinda tired.

till next time.

school was a nightmare!

fcuk you

hahaha i dont really do that stuff . i am a humble and nerdy nerd who loves to study let me guess BIOLOGY.

that is basically my favourite module for the semester, anatomy and physiology. sounds like grey's anatomy to you? yes it is. parts and functions. i love that. the teacher is so cool!

but i was such a blur ass, i got my way lost in Nsl's class. i made a fool out of myself twice in the same class. somebody make a 03-07 room for me! apparently i got that on my timetable! (the one i scribbled on a piece of white paper.)

walking up and down NP's hills are troublesome i tell you. very troublesome. freaking irritating. i guess my legs will be toned by the end of one semester. HAHA.

my class isnt that bad. people are friendly and apparently good listeners. and i have a laugher in my class so no more awkward silences! :D

if you walk by NP, please say hi if you know me! :D

new skin

LOADS happen during the past week and i am sure i can get used to these changes. i'll upload more with pictures and words.

i gotta run.
see all you lovely people! :D

i am so...

i need to have a life. a new life.

come invade me.

weak stamina

i am so random that i wanted to go for gym today. after seeing nicole scherzinger's body, i was motivated to go to the gym. HAHA. everybody laugh with me. LOL.

when i reached there, i was kinda draggy to go to the 3rd floor so i was more of going to the track since it has been a long time since i've excercised. so my and boyfee did 3 rounds non stop and i was half dead. especially when i was forced to keep my momentum and jog. having hafiz around when you jog can make you go crazy. HAHA.

that's why my face is so corrupted by the tiredness as you can see in the picture above.

IDK whether i should go for tmr's sports event at np. its for all eqypt people! im missing them a lot! just the right event after what i've done for today's workout. HAHA.

ORANGE/FOC outing

it was a whole damn lot of fun, dares, booze and partying.
i love getting high.

:D

i want more of theesseeeE!

serious shit.

before i say anything, thanks to all who talked to me and knocked some hard sense into me before people think I'm biased and always want my way.

i know i have my point of view so its not as if i shut down all the rest? i took time to listen and adapt to whatever that has been happening. i am trying my best to please everybody with whatever that is necessary. and its a whole damn hard when i don't even care less about myself anymore, i have nobody to depend on cos every time shit happens this happens. its not that i am unappreciative of whatever you guys have done to me. asking an opinion from a friend of mine doesnt hurt especially when every single person has their own opinion and i respect their opinions. every single one of it.

but at the end of the day, i got bad remarks at myself. and you know how it feels? the feeling of being judge to something you are not and something you are trying your best at? it seriously hurt me a whole damn lot. here i am doing my best and people seem to make their way around it and say whatever they wanna say.

i get it. i know after reading this post, people would be like 'she's seeking attention and oh trying to seek sympathy' all those shit.

i have been fighting back my tears due to this but recently it just got hold of me. that's why people bottle things up. cos every time they talk about it, they get dump just like that. i'm tired of having to say out all the problems that i have and share cos its just darn tiring. i don't want to repeat every single thing cos it just goes back to where things are. circles never end.

in the end, i'm the one involved in the war. i need all my sources before i lose.

and after everything, people will say they don't want to interfere anymore cos people are so fed up at giving their opinions and in the end they don't get heard cos i will always want my way. without you guys telling me all sorts of things, i wouldnt be the person i am standing at right now. i know i love you guys cos without you people giving me advices, i will always think i'm right. so don't have to shut up. just say whatever you want cos now, i'll listen more and its time for me to shut up, seriously. i am willing to learn and change but it takes time.

and once again, thank you a whole lot. there isnt any sarcasm in there. i am sorry if i offend anyone. peace not war.

i told you i'm emo.

thank you ika.

As much as i want to let it all out and let down my guard, these little voices speak to me creating a heavy cloud over my distraught brain. I thought this could be over and done with in a jiffy but myself being me, i will always turn the simplest things into the most complicated way whatever 'it' has to be. Every fight that happen has to have tears. It flows without its completely true reason. Its transparency that preached was just how the heart has been feeling.

Clear and empty feelings inside.

i can't take it any longer
thought that we were stronger
all we do is linger
slipping through our fingers
i don't wanna fight now
oh this is goodbye to
find a way that i can't tell you

i hate this part right here.

post FOC syndrome

ORANGE OIEEEE!

so i can still hear the cheers and screams in my head. i swear i woke up next morning searching for the similar faces that i lived the 3 nights with. i wanted to hear the crazy people saying good morning like yasin's and hasif's and also wanying terence hanis tricia vanessa andrea siwen hilary ryan shaun ignatius aloysius darren jianbao geena jon and jerome! i know there's like alot more people. HAHA. overall, i can't wait for tuesday's marina barrage's outing.

so caught up with hafiz and a few others. lepak-ed and screamed like nobody's business. camp cheered all the way. cannot be erased laaaaa! hahaha its like red camp all over again. and can't wait for 10 april's egypt sentosa's outing.

i miss gigs somehow but i'm too lazy for that. HAHA.

i miss the crappy people i know, JZ LEON CH REEN!

okayyyy.

HARDGAY! SAY SAY SAY!

hahaha inside joke. sorry.

:D

i am happy.

haha who says i am an emo kid? the previous post only happens when i am really down and i was. everybody has their ups and downs so yeah.

anyways, here this cool shit. i hate rihanna but this is a cool cool version of her song. HAHA. it actually sounds like a zombie who seems to be walking around with this as the background song! hahahahha.
well im a saddist. who cares about her anyway.



till next time.

OH i've got camp from tuesday till friday.
so yeah, i am down down down for it!
way too much energy stored in here.

NP HERE I COME!

chasing pavements.

(kinda emo post)

As much as tmr's my big bittersweet 17th, i've reckon it is going to be bittersweet. I had time to recollect my moments of being 16 and i was disappointed. The previous events that happened at home showed a new side of my anger. Full of temper and forceful strength that wasn't me at all. i sincerely did not know how or why i became that furious.

It was a heartbreaking moment, the time where i just close the whole world that i was in, focussed on myself and no one else, i felt the whole world crumbled to my feet. i felt ashamed, crestfallen and i really didnt know who i was. Change had succumbed me without even myself knowing. All that i went through and done, i had guts, been there, done that and had enough. i had no clue who i am, what i was, where i stood when everything appeared naive. i detested myself.

For that few seconds, i was a nobody. The reflection in the mirror was just an illusion. Emptiness filled me. The image in the mirror wasn't the person i knew all along. Its glaring stare was piercing through me with all the guilt that i had in the past year. The light that was suppose to be there bailed on me. it didnt shine as much as it was suppose to. Those unfateful stares made me fear myself. Only one thing kept ringing in my head 'Who had i become?'

The world seemed cruel somehow and it will be that way forever. How you live is how you take these tests of patience and fate that God has given to you. i miss conciding my problems to God who have been through my lowest points in life. I hope this gives me a wake up call after all. But i thank god for tomorrow.

i'll dream this away and come back another day when i'm less afraid of it all.

____________________________________________________________________

On A lighter note, Farah and me were total arses at MacD's just now after sending my dress and her shirt for alteration. And Farah cannot go out with me. HAHA. Cos i'm kinda a crazy shopper and burning a hole in her pocket is my job!

i'm looking forward to Saturday and NOT tomorrow. i'm turning a year older. Although there'll be a high chance that boyfee wouldnt be there. :(

instead of saying 'how old are you?' why can't people change it to how YOUNG are you?

damn ageing. (haha)